It gets lonely when you're at the top of the age demographic
© by Mike Keenan
We have experienced a flurry of letters as of late, all of which centre on the same theme of aging.
Most don't even ask for advice. They just want to get something off their collective sagging chests.
Dear Mr. Retired Person,
I've had two by-pass surgeries, a hip replacement, and now am the proud owner of two new knees. I fought prostate cancer and diabetes, and I'm half blind. I can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine, and I take umpteen medications that make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts. I have bouts with dementia and poor circulation. I barely feel my hands and feet anymore. I have lost all my good friends, but still have my driver's license. What do you think about that?
Mr. X, Thorold
Dear Mr. X,
I presume that that's the way you also prefer to sign your cheques. It sure makes the process faster doesn't it, especially with tellers taking so much time, having to stamp everything twice and then initial things and finally order out for coffee?
You sure have run into a bit of trouble. Getting old is both good and bad. The good part is that you are alive and there is no longer any peer pressure as most of your contemporaries have signed off; the bad part is that it gets lonely at the top of the age demographic.
I'm not so sure that I share your delight in maintaining your driver's license. In fact, I think I have had some experience driving behind you. Do you drive a large, blue Chevy with lots of dents - at approximately 30 km. per hour in the 60 km. zone? Are you the guy that when we get behind, we think that the car is without a driver because we cannot see your head above the dashboard? Do you signal left and then turn right? Are you impervious to the sound of a horn? I guess that question is redundant given your hearing impairment noted above.
Speaking of hearing impairments, when people visit to see if you are still with us, do you speak real LOUD and not use your hearing aid? That's a neat trick and a sure way to dominate the conversation. Old people are cagey.
Dear Mr, Retired Person,
I freely admit that I am totally out of shape, so I got my doctor's permission to join a fitness club in order to start an exercise program geared to my age. I opted for an aerobics class for seniors. I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired for an hour. Finally, by the time I got my leotards on, the class was over. Has anything that embarrassing ever happened to you?
Gladys, Merriton
Dear Gladys,
I feel your pain. Opt for the stretchy material. Do you find it amusing that your body makes the same noises now as your coffee maker? In my own situation, I discovered that my memory's not as sharp as it used to be. Also, my memory's not as sharp as it used to be.
Dear Mr. Retired Person,
If my body was an automobile, I would trade it in for a new model. I've got bumps and dents and scratches and my paint job is getting dull. My seat cushions have split open at the seams and my seats sag. I gave up seat-belts when Krispy Kreme opened in my neighborhood. My headlights are out of focus. The traction is not as crisp as it once was. I slip and slide and skid and bang into things even in good weather. It takes hours to reach my maximum speed which is 30 km per hour. Despite my many additives, my fuel burns inefficiently. And, most insulting of all, my radiator leaks!
Winston,
St. Catharines
Dear Winston,
Do you know Mr. X from Thorold? I highly recommend that you car pool with him. That way you get your own special lane.
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